"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"What is more mortifying than to feel that you have missed the plum for want of courage to shake the tree?"

"I'd rather have him inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in."

"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

"Whenever, therefore, people are deceived and form opinions wide of the truth, it is clear that the error has slid into their minds through the medium of certain resemblances to that truth."

"A guilty conscience needs no accuser."

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."