"Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."

"There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer."

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"

"When the student is ready. . . the lesson appears."

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions."

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

"CandyIs dandyBut liquorIs quicker."

"She is not fair to outward view As many maidens be; Her loveliness I never knew Until she smiled on me; Oh! then I saw her eye was bright, A well of love, a spring of light."