"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair."

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."

"Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?"

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

"If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you."

"There is a lion in the way; a lion is in the streets."

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, 'I don't know.'"

"Of all the pulpits from which human voice is ever sent forth, there is none from which it reaches so far as from the grave."