"That man has missed something who has never left a brothel at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into the river out of pure disgust."

"Language is like a crack'd kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity."

"Human speech is a cracked cauldron on which we knock out tunes for dancing bears, when we wish to conjure pity from the stars."

"Our ignorance of history makes us libel our own times. People have always been like this."

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."

"A thing derided is a thing dead; a laughing man is stronger than a suffering man."

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

"When he is best, he is a little worse than a man; and when he is worst, he is a little better than a beast."

"I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because of it all things are seen."

"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first--an attempted suicide."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."

"If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had."