"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

"They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes."

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"It's not necessarily about what career you pick. It's about how you do what you do."

"No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be. . .."

"If I ask a woman if she has suffered sexual harassment, could this be considered sexual harassment?"

"We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves."

"The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews."